Mellie Mayhem

Advice to 14 year old Me.

• Your family always comes first. They will stand by you and love you regardless of the mistakes you make.
• Lying is always worse than telling the truth. It will cost you someone you love. Youll regret it.
• Its okay to be alone. Youll actually enjoy it.
• A boy will shape your entire world. Be careful. It will be good and bad. Youll come out a better person because of it.
• Being a nerd is not a bad thing.
• Not so much black eyeliner. You look ridiculous.
• High school isnt real life. You will make it through just fine… 
• Scars arent as pretty as you think they are.
• Learn to drive, its actually useful. 
• Go outside your comfort zone every once in a while. Its fun.
• Be nice to mom and dad. They truly know best. You dont know everything. 
• Dont sneak out. NOT worth it.
• Start drawing, take art class and pay attention.
• Actually go to class. Its not that hard.
• Get a dog, not a boyfriend. Dogs are better.

Finally

Today I feel normal. It is a wondrous feeling. It has been a long time since I felt like I could make it through a day. I survived and it feels great.

Things I Worry About on a Daily Basis

In no particular order.

Do I have enough gas in my car.

Did I forget to take my meds?

Is my daughter happy?

Do I have enough cigarettes to last through the day?

Will my car will take me where I want to go?

Will I have enough time to do my art?

Is my daughter fed?

Am I training my dog right?

How am I going to get a job?

Do I treat my boyfriend right?

Do my donkeys have enough food and water?

How am I going to make enough money to help my family?

When am I going to get the internet?

What stupid thing will I do today?

Are the dishes done?

What do I have to clean up now?

Am I ever going to get married?

Will I hurt my boyfriend today?

Am I a good mother?

How bad is my mood going to be today?

Do my stepkids like me?

How bad is my stomach going to hurt?

Do I look halfway decent?

Is the laundry done?

Is my daughter bored?

How are my meds going to affect me?

Among many numerous other things.

Meds

I am on a handful of medications.

Its a strange feeling when you know one of them is fucking with your head, but not sure which one. Removing one interferes with another.

Taking one medication makes me sleepy but calms my mind, one medication eases anxiety but leaves me slow and slurring my words, one makes things hard to remember.

I take about 10 medications to ease my mind from the clutches of bipolar disorder. I am tired of being non-functioning. I cant focus.

I wish I could play with my daughter like a normal person. I swing from one idea to another. I wish people knew how this interferes with every part of your life when you have bipolar disorder.

I cant stop taking meds or Ill end up in the insane asylum. I feel controlled by these pills.